summer

so it's finally summer!

idk what it is but this summer has a different feeling to it. a good feeling. i want this summer to not be about love or finding love but i feel as if it's gonna be about me making much needed progress in my life and about change, a lot of change.

i feel a scrapbook page coming from this, i guess we will see.

xo
jess

my father just called and told me that he has started going to AA meetings and hasn’t had a drink since last tuesday. i have never been so proud of him. i have waited for this moment all my life. i just wish i lived with him so i could help and support him.

hello.

its been awhile. life has been well up and down. went on a date with a very cute boy and while we ate lunch we colored. it was very perfect. but like people say all good things must come to an end. we never talk i try to but he is always busy. i have started the crazy process of looking for colleges and such. i try to avoid talking about it because it always bring chaos. but i really can't wait for college. and yes i know i should not wish my life away. im not really. i am just really honestly ready to be done with and the people there and the drama. and yes i know there will always be people that annoy me or frustrate me and drama in college and later on in life but still. i just want some breathing room and i feel as if college would allow me to do just that. quite honestly though i would be just happy is summer was here. i need a break. so with that said summer please hurry up!

xo

The warm sand gives way with each unconscious step I take.
The humid air whips,sweeps moist strands hair across my face.
I breathe in,
I breathe out,
Letting the warm, salty air cleanse my weary soul.
The ocean air does not blend with my rusty ribcage-
The lock breaks,
Though broken and fixed before,
It is beyond repair.
Doubt, worry, anger, disappointment-all the caged creatures take flight,
As I deeply exhale once more.
These creatures were not meant to enjoy the ocean air-
As they begin to mingle with the salty, humid air they disintegrate,
Falling ever so helplessly into the lapping white foam of the tide.
Their bitter sweet taste lingers on the tip of my tongue,
But soon fades away,
A taste I will never miss.

This is what the ocean does to me.
It erases all trace of emotion,
It calms my lost and broken soul
It release me from my blackened chains of bondage.
As new troubled thoughts arise the waves silently hush them away.
It gives me hope that all things will change
Because the tide is never once the same
Like cold, wet sand
My once hard soul has dried and crumbled
It’s waiting to find something worth transforming for
Unable to move,
I sit and listen to the seagulls call,
Dreaming of how their freedom feels-
No limits
No boundaries
No rules
Just free open ocean air
The wind and waves-
They move me,
Move me to dreaming.
My once ugly arms
Now majestic, graceful wings
As I am lifted up
I am lost,
So completely lost
In the beauty of the moment.
I am at peace
As the wind and waves move me.

This is what the ocean does to me.

.....

made this the other night after i got off the phone with my dad and little brother. i miss them both so much, so much that it hurts physically sometimes. they live back in my home state: florida and i live in west virginia. i see my dad every four months at the least and i only see my brother when i go down there in the summer. i hate that i am not an active part of his life. i want to be there for him at the end of each day, but i cant and that kills me. i look forward to hearing his sweet voice every night. most times he will just ramble and rhyme words for 15 min. i love it! i could listen to him ramble forever. i can't wait to see him this summer.

tfr
xo
jess