summer

so it's finally summer!

idk what it is but this summer has a different feeling to it. a good feeling. i want this summer to not be about love or finding love but i feel as if it's gonna be about me making much needed progress in my life and about change, a lot of change.

i feel a scrapbook page coming from this, i guess we will see.

xo
jess

my father just called and told me that he has started going to AA meetings and hasn’t had a drink since last tuesday. i have never been so proud of him. i have waited for this moment all my life. i just wish i lived with him so i could help and support him.

hello.

its been awhile. life has been well up and down. went on a date with a very cute boy and while we ate lunch we colored. it was very perfect. but like people say all good things must come to an end. we never talk i try to but he is always busy. i have started the crazy process of looking for colleges and such. i try to avoid talking about it because it always bring chaos. but i really can't wait for college. and yes i know i should not wish my life away. im not really. i am just really honestly ready to be done with and the people there and the drama. and yes i know there will always be people that annoy me or frustrate me and drama in college and later on in life but still. i just want some breathing room and i feel as if college would allow me to do just that. quite honestly though i would be just happy is summer was here. i need a break. so with that said summer please hurry up!

xo

The warm sand gives way with each unconscious step I take.
The humid air whips,sweeps moist strands hair across my face.
I breathe in,
I breathe out,
Letting the warm, salty air cleanse my weary soul.
The ocean air does not blend with my rusty ribcage-
The lock breaks,
Though broken and fixed before,
It is beyond repair.
Doubt, worry, anger, disappointment-all the caged creatures take flight,
As I deeply exhale once more.
These creatures were not meant to enjoy the ocean air-
As they begin to mingle with the salty, humid air they disintegrate,
Falling ever so helplessly into the lapping white foam of the tide.
Their bitter sweet taste lingers on the tip of my tongue,
But soon fades away,
A taste I will never miss.

This is what the ocean does to me.
It erases all trace of emotion,
It calms my lost and broken soul
It release me from my blackened chains of bondage.
As new troubled thoughts arise the waves silently hush them away.
It gives me hope that all things will change
Because the tide is never once the same
Like cold, wet sand
My once hard soul has dried and crumbled
It’s waiting to find something worth transforming for
Unable to move,
I sit and listen to the seagulls call,
Dreaming of how their freedom feels-
No limits
No boundaries
No rules
Just free open ocean air
The wind and waves-
They move me,
Move me to dreaming.
My once ugly arms
Now majestic, graceful wings
As I am lifted up
I am lost,
So completely lost
In the beauty of the moment.
I am at peace
As the wind and waves move me.

This is what the ocean does to me.

.....

made this the other night after i got off the phone with my dad and little brother. i miss them both so much, so much that it hurts physically sometimes. they live back in my home state: florida and i live in west virginia. i see my dad every four months at the least and i only see my brother when i go down there in the summer. i hate that i am not an active part of his life. i want to be there for him at the end of each day, but i cant and that kills me. i look forward to hearing his sweet voice every night. most times he will just ramble and rhyme words for 15 min. i love it! i could listen to him ramble forever. i can't wait to see him this summer.

tfr
xo
jess

i want to be whole again. i want to live like i was never torn into parts. i want to know who i was before you completely changed my everything. i want to know what happened.

*snowgraphy*..as some would call it ;)

if you haven't read this blog lately you need to. like seriously click that link and read her blog.
very inspirational! here is what i did with the lovely tips she gave





tfr
xo
jess

sorry for the horrible pictures.

for a better look at pictures.




below: got the inspiration from this.




above is how i spent the end of 2009 and the beginning of 2010..best way to start a new year i think. like kara has said before it is such good therapy. this week has been rough. i will be scrapbooking more tonight and will post the results.
happy almost friday
xo

new

i want new. im sick of how things are im sick of who i am. and how things are. im done settle for stuff not worth settling for. take me some where new.

i don't understand

it has been months, heck maybe even a year since we have talked.. a year? or two? since you ended things...heck ive even let go moved on to other guys.. yet still to this day you have this "power" over me. i can't take it. today things were fine. but then that video came on, the song kinda slightly reminded me of you..ok whatever but then out of no where i have tears slowing streaming down my face. i pray to God that your picture does not show up cause i know full well i will not be able to control myself..sure enough there you are. your picture staring at me. like i predicted i could not control my emotions, just like that all of our memories flooded my head. for a moment i missed you and it hurt like hell and i hate myself for missing you. it seems like yesterday was that day in december when we "first" saw each other. when you hugged me like no one had ever done before but no that day was forever ago, its nothing but a bittersweet memory but i could not stop the stupid tears. im thinking what the heck? i am over you why am i crying. i know you will "go away" but you will be completely safe there, you will return home i know you will. i just know it..

i just hate that i miss you cause i know full well you don't miss me back, you could careless about me. i hate that you can do this to me. i don't regret a thing but still i hate that you make me like this....

a list

hello. sorry i have been a bit slow recently. life has been busy.

i am SO VERY excited to do kara's "fall in love class!!!!!!" i know its come and gone for everyone else but it has now come for me. i think kara is just so awesome! i wished we lived closer. that would be great fun.

any who

sep 19 was my 17 birthday! i now have a real camera*nikon d90* not a lil crappy point and shoot*cannon power shot*

and so...

i had seen a "seventeen before i turn eighteen list" on kara's blog and i thought hey why not? i like lists! so here is mine..in no specific order. *im stealing some ideas from here cause she is just that cool.*

1. learn to play guitar

2. create and finish a painting

3. use my polaroid camera

4. make a mini book

6. fall in love with God again

7. write a song

8. send more happy mail

9. read a book a month

10. grow in my photography skills

11.* find a safe place to* wander aimlessly

12. come up with a few designs that could go on t-shirts

13. go to a concert

14. let go

15. move on

16. learn to sing...try to sing better..can this be done?

17. drive through md and take pictures

tfr

jess

xo

fall list

so i saw on stephanie's tumblr that she and kara have an "epic fall list". i thought to my self what a wonderful idea so here is mine. ( i am borrowing some of the things on their list)

how to have a wonderful fall:

• sit outside with apple cider/coffee and write in journal
• take kara's "fall in love class". and actually try to do it then and not hold of until volleyball is done and over
• go to football game in a cute coat and scarf
• spend an entire saturday taking pictures outside
• read 4-5 books
• jump in leaves
• make homemade cookies
• spend an entire saturday making art and listening to music
• go to maryland
• eat homemade noodles
• skip stones on the pond
• take several long walks
• spend time with lil cousins.. take lots of pictures of them
• drink lots of coffee/apple cider
• learn how to bake/make good thanksgiving food.

who knows i may think of more. if i do ill add them. have a great sunday

tfr

xo

jess

ps. ONLY 6 MORE DAYS TILL MY BIRTHDAY!!!

listen

goodbye summer

so the days i hoped would never come. school starts on wednesday. i am in no way prepared for school. if i had one wish.. it would be the first day of summer break right now and i would spend more time at the beach. it is a happy place of mine, but because it is too far away i resort to a second happy place of mine.. deep creek lake. for me.. it's almost heaven. my parents and i have spent a few days down on my grandparents property just laying on a blanket... reading sleeping..playing games. i truly enjoy it. family time like that is so nice. relaxing period is nice. but all time for relaxation has come to an end now that school and volleyball will be in full swing. all i can do is force myself to move forward.

on a happy note i turn 17 in less than a month.

but that is all. i really need to finish my summer reading and journals i will do that tomorrow.

goodnight. the pictures below are from deep creek lake.

tfr & enjoy.

xo

jess

just for now...

here are some pictures from a previous vacation a couple weeks ago. i will post a for real post later with more words and more pictures. i just really need to work on school reading. so enjoy your day.

jess

*insert title here*

it has been a very long week. i have worked at the school several times for community service. i have to have 40 total each year. i babysat twice and all the in between time i cleaned my room. at the beginning of the week i started a small thing for a great friend. cant say who cause i dont want to ruin it in chances of them reading my lil ol' blog.

today was nice. i went to the movies with my dear friend. we saw the gi joe movie. oh wow was it goood. and then we went to barns and noble to get coffee and while there i picked up a copy of.. the perks of being a wall flower. uhm can i say that i love this book i am only a few pages into it but i cant stop reading it.

i got an email from this lovely . it was very very nice!! she is so kind. and SO very inspiring!

thats about it for today. i am looking forward to tomorrow. we are going to spend the day with family friends.

thats about it. i will be back later with music videos and maybe some quotes from the book and pictures from the last few trips i went on.

tfr

xo

jess

ello

oh the things silly boys make you feel inside. yes they are so frustrating but how can you not love them. i am thankful for him. he is a good friend who is always there when i need him.

the bff is coming over tonight. we will watch movies and talk even more about silly boys.
i have some ideas in my head for several lo so i am going to try to accomplish some tomorrow.
have a good rest of the week.

tfr.
xo
jess

ps. the beginning is weird.

more about "11 - Jason Mraz - If it kills me Vide...", posted with vodpod

what i wouldn't give to be that free

free*dom:::: the state of being free or at liberty rather than in confinement or under physical restraint:::: exemption from external control, interference, regulation, ect. :::: the power to determine action without restraint::::  the absence of or release  from ties, obligations, ect. :::: the absence of  necessity in choice or action::::